3 Pillars to a Rockin' Relationship Audio Training Series
Session #2: How Your "Money Personality" Can Make or Break a Marriage...and Steps to Prevent This From Happening
Erica: Hey guys, Erica Castner with thequeenofresults.com. Thank you for tuning in to the second session of the 3 Pillars of Having a Rockstar Relationship. I am so excited you chimed in for today's session. As promised, we are delivering the money series or the money session in this series, and I have with me today, just like I did last time, my favorite guest, my awesome husband, Mr. Ed Castner. Hey, Ed. How are you?
Ed: I'm doing good. Thanks for having me back. I wasn't so sure after the last one I was going to get called back, so I appreciate that. That's awesome. How are you guys doing out there by the way?
Erica: Obviously being a couple, we probably ... I wouldn't want to change partners in this process. You're pretty rock solid, so I'll keep you around for a few extra days, right?
Ed: Just wanted to make sure.
Erica: Okay. All right. Good. For those of you that really know us, we're quite practical jokesters, so I'm excited that you tuned in for a number of reasons today. This is actually probably my biggest breakthrough with finances and money, understanding my own money blueprint and really integrating that in with my husband's, because 2-1/2 years ago, things looked a little shaky when it came to understanding each other's finances, didn't it, honey?
Ed: A little shaky is an understatement. Yes. Yes.
Erica: We can laugh about it today, but it was no laughing matter 2-1/2 years ago. For those of you who are listening today, I imagine you're at different places with your financial situation and especially when it comes to understanding what your partner's thinking the same way. Maybe you guys have different spending habits or different plans on how to save, and the things that you're going to be spending your money on, and what's frivolous and what's not frivolous.
We're going to be talking about some ways today to really get clarity on not only understanding your money blueprint, but then also figuring out ways that you guys can get on the same page with managing your money and being in a safe space to talk about those things without getting ugly, without getting all bajiggity about the money situation, because it is a very serious topic but it can be a really fun topic to talk about if you're on the same page with it, right?
Ed: Absolutely. You figure this is the one that ... Financial matters lead to more divorce than intimacy issues do, so the financial people ... I know I hold money near and dear to me, and a lot of people use it to validate themselves. That's when it becomes a problem, but it's a big issue. If you can solve this, oh man, it makes the relationship awesome to deal with. Yeah.
Erica: Mm-hmm, think about this. Your money belief systems really start from what you learn growing up. I know in my case my household was a very different household than Ed's growing up. I'm not going to get into that story today, but we both came to the table with very different belief systems about the way we save and spend money. It was really conflicting. When we were coming together to manage our own finances, some of those same behaviors or some of those same mindset issues were showing up in our marriage. It was causing a lot of conflict. Ed, why don't you tell our audience today what were some things that got us back on track when it came to managing our own money and feeling good about the direction we were heading?
Ed: The first thing we did was start recording everything we spent money on. I, being a big Excel spreadsheet guy, worked up an Excel spreadsheet and we literally tracked everything for 30 days. Then you should really do this for 90 days, so this way you get a good picture, because every now and then, something pops up, but to chart that for 30 days opened up both of our eyes on things that we thought we spent a lot of money on and didn't, and things that we didn't spend any money on and yet we ended up spending a lot of money.
Erica: I think for us, I think it was one of those exercises that we were really begrudging about. I know I was, because I'm like, "Really? I have to go and record everything I spend? What?" But it was very critical and it was very eye-opening because it really gave us an honest assessment of where things were at in our financial situation.
Ed: Yeah, not only gave us a fair assessment, but opened our eyes to some areas, as I like to call, the black holes, when all of a sudden you're like ... I'm sure your listeners out there have been in a situation going, "Where'd all my money go?" Honestly that happens, where it's like, "I thought I had plenty. Next thing I know, it's gone. Where did it go?" Then you realize, all of a sudden, not to knock Starbucks, but I know Starbucks wasn't our situation, but I've seen other people where Starbucks, next thing you know, they're like, "Holy cow, I spend $150 a month at Starbucks." That's what, well over $1,200. I think that's like $1,400 a year at Starbucks a year. It opens your eyes to saying, "What if I cut that in half?" Or to the cable bill or different opportunities that are out there, so yeah.
Erica: Yeah. Also being on the same page with the way that we're spending money too. I know that, even in the beginning when we were thinking about vacations and certain expenses that we were allowing the kids to partake in, those were things that we really needed to be aligned with and be on the same page with, because I didn't necessarily think that there were certain things that, like certain vacations or certain experiences, we should be spending our money on and you thought differently and then vice versa. It wasn't like I was just being this money-hungry brat and really saying, "Okay, well, we have to tighten the purse strings up," and all this other stuff, but there was a lot of conflict with that even too, right?
Ed: Absolutely, but that goes back to our belief system that we learned growing up. It depends upon how money is spent, how money is earned, how money is saved, what your belief system is around money, and then to a great extent, how is money managed inside the household. Not in my situation, but I've seen in other households where literally the person says, "He who makes or she who makes the most money makes the rules on how the money's spent." That's a recipe for disaster.
I know, especially, you being divorced and handling your own money, and myself being divorced and handling my own money when we first got together, yeah, we still wanted to handle our money instead of sitting there coming back together and saying, "Okay, together we manage the money." It sounds super simple, but to get to that point, it's a little bit of a process. Yeah.
Erica: Obviously recording everything that you spend for that 30 days, ideally 90 days, is going to be critical to getting people on the same page. I know we talked about the advantages of that, but what would be some challenges with recording that money every single day?
Ed: Oh man. You talk about being vulnerable. Holy cow. Back when we first started doing this, if you have, let's say, a habit that you partake in, and you really don't want to log the cost of it. I know back when I was chewing, trying to log that, having to log that cost of that was scary. That was very scary for me, so being vulnerable, taking things personally, that's hard. Plus then you get some animosity building up if all of a sudden, I'm like, "Your haircuts cost how much?" It's tough. There's some challenges there. No doubt about it?
Erica: Even thinking about the things that we're spending money on, since you bring that up, obviously with my expenses, my hair, my hair doesn't wake up like this. It's a process, honey. I'm just kidding. We're way past that, but you know what? I imagine, if you're listening to this call, some of you on this listening to this could probably identify with that same angst that might be going on with saying, "You spent how much at the grocery store or how much at the store or how much on going out with the boys?" Whatever it looks like, those things can really be a challenging conversation to have with somebody to ... and call them on the carpet like that. Of course, there is a lot of anger and a lot of resentments and animosity that kind of develops from those conversations.
The other thing that I really feel like is critical with this is that we have a tendency to take things personally when we're called on the carpet like this, right? When we're highlighting the way we're spending money, we start really evaluating, "Well, that person's spending that much on this, and how come I'm not spending that on whatever I want to do?" I know I used to. I used to take things pretty personally, because if Ed would go off on a weekend with the boys, I wasn't getting that weekend with my friends. I started feeling resentful and angry about those things. Anything you want to add to that?
Ed: Yeah. It stems from both sides, everything from haircuts, which I don't understand considering I'm follicly challenged, so I don't understand that, to a new driver for myself who likes to golf. I might be like, "Hey, my driver's dead. I need a new driver." You're like, "How much does that cost?" From that standpoint, yeah, priorities are priorities, but you're getting into a situation where, let's face it, when you're called on the carpet, you get defensive instantly. When you get defensive, you're starting to take things personally, you get defensive, and then you come firing back, "Well, what about this? What about this?" Next thing you know, now it all is ... It's not a conversation anymore. Now it's a fight session about, "Is your haircut more important than whatever I have going on?"
Erica: Right. I think that the tip of the day that I want to convey is, and obviously this sounds super easy to record things, but I think, wouldn't it be helpful, Ed, if people just carved out 1 half hour a week where they could come together with their receipts and document that stuff together as a team, and really assess on a week, at least on a ... at the very least, a weekly basis, to try to come together on what the black holes are, where the money's going, how they're spending it, and what they can do to perhaps maybe save or cut back on their expenses. Would you agree that they do that once a week?
Ed: Yeah, take it in small chunks, because trying it at once at the end of the month, you don't remember what on earth that Target receipt was for. Do it small chunks, just like everything else. Do it in 30 minute blocks. We schedule our lives in 30 minute blocks. Taking that 30 minute block to do that is perfect.
Erica: Awesome. Let's talk a little bit about money personalities, because we went to this thing about, gosh, 14, 15 months ago. It was called the Millionaire Mind Experience. I'll get into that in a moment, but we learned something really critical at that event, and it was something around the money personalities. I'm not going to get into that whole exercise today, because if you guys haven't had a chance to see the Millionaire Mind Experience, we'll tell you how to get there, but for us, this is like one of those eye-opening exercises that we did, and it really changed the course of how we communicate moving forward.
I was a saver coming in to the marriage. I was very much like, "Okay, what are we spending our money on? I don't know if we can spend our money on that. What are you talking about? That's not going to work." I don't want to say I was a hoarder of money, but I was also very concerned about money getting away. I had a tendency to be a little more frugal on the family expenses. Of course, there were a few things that I spent my money on that weren't necessarily family expenses, but I was pretty selfish when it came to spending money on family things and wanted to spend more money on stuff for myself.
The very kind of a conflicting blueprint myself where I was saving money on some aspects, but then I would go and take those daily, not daily but maybe once a week, I would go splurge on something a little more lavish than what our budget required. Ed, why don't you tell our audience what your personality was?
Ed: Not a saver, that's for sure. I am definitely a spender, proud of it. Recovering spender, let's put it that way. Yeah, it's one of those things where I said, "Send it out there. Money is to be used." Instead of money using me, I wanted to use money. I wanted to have those finer things in life and went out and spent it. What's funny is I spent on everybody else and didn't spend a lot on me. I was a saver for me, so then when you would spend on you and save everywhere else, and I would be like, "What do you mean? I'm out there. I'm putting myself," I don't want to say last because that's not fair, but I was a saver for myself but a spender for everybody else.
Erica: Yeah. Needless to say, there was a little bit of disconnect on our money personalities and coming together and really obviously being in a bit of conflict, because I had this saving mindset but then I would spend a little more frivolously with myself, and then of course Ed was generous and spending for other people, but really didn't want to spend a whole lot on himself. There was a lot of conflict with that. For each one of you out there, let's decide where you're at in your relationship. Are you the spender or are you the saver in your partnership? What does your other partner do? What are some ways that people can determine their money personality? What would be some things that they could do to maybe get back on track with being on the same page with their personalities and spending money, saving money, whatever that looks like for their money situation?
Ed: Right, or avoid it for a month, which is just crawl into a hole and act like money isn't even existing. Right. I would say what's really fun to do is do the role reversal. I love that one, where the saver who says, "We can't afford that. We can't afford that. We can't afford that," now becomes the spender. They're out shopping and the person who's the spender has to come back and say, "Hey, we have bills and stuff like that." Through that process, you can have a lot of fun.
I saw a video that I still think is like 15, 20 years old and it still cracks me up every time I see it where the guy's out shopping, acting like the saver, because he was always the spender, and then the female, his wife, got to be the spender and she was normally the saver. It cracks me up, but it's a great way to say, "Hey, look, I get it from your perspective now." It gives you a chance to walk a mile in the other person's shoes, which goes a long way to coming back going, "Wow. You know what? At least I can see where you're coming from."
Erica: I think that's a really super fun exercise to do, because again, it really does put into perspective how the other person sees it. Then you can at least try to at least understand where they're coming from in order to move forward in creating a good game plan to managing your own finances and your attitudes towards money. I think that's great. As I mentioned earlier in this audio session, we talked about the Millionaire Mind Experience, but that really came about because we read a wonderful book that changed our life. It was called the Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. Ed, would you recommend anybody get that book?
Ed: Run out right now. No, that book's awesome. It gives you ... There's tools, there's tips, there's mental blueprints that it describes in there. T. Harv Eker said before, "Give me 3 minutes it took for me to map your blueprint around money, and I'll tell you how much money you're going to make." We can't change the amount of money we make until we change our mental blueprint.
Erica: Yeah, absolutely. We're discovering that now. The more we educate ourselves about that blueprint and really do activities on a daily basis to make sure that we're congruent with our message with money, with making sure that we're congruent with the things that we say that we're going to do, and also not taking anything personally when it comes to talking about money in the future, because again, those are all things that we should be able to have open, honest communication about. If you guys haven't had a chance to go back and listen to session 1 in this series, do that, because we talk about the communication aspect and really getting on the same page with those things.
Then obviously go take advantage of the tools. The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind book then is a great tool. There's actually something in there, it's called the jar system, that they reference in the book, and you'll actually get more information on that in the Millionaire Mind Experience once you go to that, but those things are game changers. We don't have a whole lot of time to go into the jar system today. That's why you guys got to go out and get the book and go to the event, right?
Ed: Yes. If nothing else, it's the best money management system for a household budget that I've seen. It's simple. I love simple.
Erica: I love simple too. It's all about simplicity around here in The Queen of Results world. Again, I really appreciate you guys chiming in, so here's the drill. We actually have 1 more session in this awesome audio series. Ed, do you want to tell people what we're going to be listening to the next time?
Ed: Yeah. Next time we're talking about intimacy, Barry White style.
Erica: Oh my goodness. He's a handful. I don't know if we're going to get quite Barry White style on this, but we are going to have a lot of fun in the intimacy challenge, because again so many of us, we're rocking and rolling. We're doing our thing. We're taking care of our families. We've got a full workload. Sometimes coming together in that intimacy world with our partners can be a little challenging. It's not always about sex. We're not necessarily ... I know. That's really alarming, Ed. I'm sorry about that, but it's not always about sex. It's about connecting. It's about being real. It's about being open and honest to express ourselves with our partners. We're going to be talking a lot about that. Is there anything you want to maybe share with our audience that they're going to learn in the intimacy pillar of our series?
Ed: Yes. You're correct. It's not all about sex. However, all of those things that you just described really helps make the sex amazing.
Erica: Oh, abso-freaking-lutely. I'm so excited about this session. You guys will want to chime into that. You guys will be getting the session in your inbox very shortly in just a couple of days, but meanwhile, let us know what we could help you with in the money situation. Is there specific tips or techniques that you want to learn more about? We have a very special series that's coming up, it's a weekend series that we're going to be doing live in person, that's happening in November, November 6th through the 8th in beautiful Cape Coral, Florida. For those of you that are listening to this and you're north, gosh, escape the cold and get on down here to Florida for this awesome weekend intensive.
We'll share more details about that in the next session, but if you guys have any feedback on what you would like to learn more about in the money situation, in communication, and perhaps maybe some tips on intimacy, email me, firstname.lastname@example.org. You can certainly go on over to The Queen of Results Business Coaching & Consulting Facebook page, as well as chime into thequeenofresults.com to leave your feedback there so we can get you the resources you need to rock your world and to live the business and life you absolutely desire. Ed, go ahead and tell people farewell, and let's wrap this up.
Ed: See you guys next time.
Erica: All right. Take care, you guys.
Session #3 Coming Soon
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