3 Pillars to a Rockin' Relationship Audio Training Series
Session #3: Intimacy: It's Not Just Sex. Simple Steps to a Stronger Connection With Your Partner
Erica Castner: Hey guys, it's Erica Castner, here again from the thequeenofresults.com, and I'm so excited that you're chiming into the third session in our Three Pillars to a Rockin' Relationship series. I have with me none other than my amazing husband, Mr. Ed Castner. Hey, Ed.
Ed Castner: How are you doing?
Erica Castner: I am doing just fine, Honey. Here's the thing, the reason why Ed is so suave is we are talking about intimacy today, and this is something that I am so excited about. It is actually something that, it's a pretty vulnerable place for me to be in, because, I think even two and a half years ago I felt like I couldn't openly express my feelings and my thoughts around sex and intimacy, and I think that it's so important to have those open communication discussions with your partner about this in the future. Whether you're a man or a woman, definitely being on the same page with intimacy is going to really give you rock star results when it comes to creating a rockin' relationship with your spouse. Ed, I am so excited we are talking about this today together. I know you are, too. He's smiling really super big.
Ed Castner: Absolutely.
Erica Castner: You know what, intimacy isn't necessarily about sex is it?
Ed Castner: No. No, I mean, it goes a lot farther than that. Obviously, that's a big component, and one of my favorites, but, no, it definitely goes way farther than that, because it's everything else that makes the sex so awesome.
Erica Castner: Absolutely. Some things I really want to convey today on the session would be this, I think we have a tendency to automatically judge ourselves, not necessarily judge our partners, although some of you out there might be judging your partners in certain inadequacies in the bedroom, or maybe some things that they are not doing to warm up to that sexual energy, that part of relationships, but it's really all about judging ourselves sometimes. We can start thinking about maybe we don't have the best body, or maybe we don't feel confident in the bedroom where we can actually embrace and really connect with our partners in a way that doesn't feel like we're inadequate. Really just being in touch with, not only judging our partner, but also being able to not judge ourselves. Would you agree with that.
Ed Castner: Yeah, even more so. Performance anxiety is a huge factor. We all talk about it, and the media kills us out there. Male and female. All they talk about is having the perfect body, and then there's so much of these male enhancement videos out there now. It's crazy, all to be better, to be better, to be better, when, really, it comes down to being better is going to be better communication in the bedroom. The more you relax the better you're going to be.
Erica Castner: Absolutely. I want to touch on a very important topic with communication. I think sometimes men and women both are not necessarily open to expressing what they "need," not only in the bedroom, but also what they need to connect with their partner outside of the bedroom, you know really doing those little things to connect and regroup with the partner. Let's talk about some key communication challenges that couples might have when they're exploring intimacy and how they can strengthen that.
Ed Castner: We'll go back to session one talking about communication and not taking things personally. That's a huge factor that goes into all this. For guys, I know myself it's that man challenge, you know asking for directions. We don't like to do it when we're driving, and we sure as hell don't want to do it when we're in the bedroom. It's like, "Hey, do you want me to turn right here or?" It's those things that generate a lot of anxiety for guys, but I've learned, "Give me directions, because if you give me directions I can get from point A to point B, if you tell me how to get there." If not, I might not even ever end up at point B, and let's face it, point B is where you want to get to.
Erica Castner: Exactly. Ladies, feeling like you're in that space of just being vulnerable and just saying to your partner, "Hey, look, these are some things that I'm thinking that we ought to maybe try, or things that we ought to maybe consider the next time we connect intimately." Having those conversations outside of the bedroom, maybe, but then also feeling free to direct, if you will, in the bedroom to really make sure that you and your partner's on the same page. I know that my husband is a pleaser. He wants to make sure that I get what I want out of the situation and, of course, I want what he wants out of the situation, as well, too, so we can create a win-win experience, not only in the bedroom but also outside of the bedroom, you know when we go on dates, when we're doing things to snuggle up on the couch, when we're connecting in conversation, all those things we're really trying to strive for win-win opportunities so we both get what we want out of the experience.
Some things that I wanted to maybe discuss with, and, Ed, you can certainly chime in. I think some ways that couples can get together on the same page with intimacy and having a stronger connection in, and outside of, the bedroom, these are some things really have worked for us. Again, Ed, you can totally chime in as I'm going through my list. I think one of the things that really helped us early on is we told each other that we were going to eat together, we were going to have meals together and share that experience with each other.
Ed Castner: Yeah. In today's busy world not that many people actually get to sit down and have dinner with their significant other, or their family for that matter. The dinner table's always been a big place for me, and I know for you, as well. From that standpoint, yes, have dinner together. Break bread.
Erica Castner: Another thing is, obviously, playing with one another, like playing sports or playing some sort of ... Doesn't necessarily have to be sports, but it can be things that involve you two laughing, and conversing, and having a good time and being in the energy of playfulness, instead of being so serious.
Ed Castner: Yeah. Hey, think about it, if we go put-putting. Do the things that you did when you were younger. You get out there and too many people are like, "Oh, I don't want to do this now. One of my days I remember vividly is the day we were out in the backyard hitting a Wiffle ball with a golf club and you were doing it and I'm like, "Dang." I was ready for a Cialis commercial doing [Sue 00:07:04], because it was awesome. You were laughing, you were giggling just like right now, and I'm like, "Man, is she sexy right now." It's a true story. You can ask any guy, you put a girl on the golf course her hot factor goes up, just rule of thumb, because she's active and that's sexy to a guy.
Erica Castner: I think that even just him coming to terms with the things that I love to do, things that make me really super excited and jazzed. Obviously, we have two teenage daughters so really tapping into that feminine energy sometimes is super sexy for me to witness, because I see him interact and be engaged with not only myself, but then when the time is right, obviously being engaged with our girls, and it's just super fun to see all that connecting. It's also a bit sexy so then, yeah, of course, when we're alone and we're able to reconnect, I'm probably a little kissy, I'm a little like more lovey-dovey, because "Gosh, you're just pouring yourself out there and putting yourself into that amazing energy to connect and play. It's a lot of fun.
Ed Castner: Yeah, I know more about Friday Bride-day and Sweetheart necklines, and mermaid dresses than I ever thought I would know. It's all worth it.
Erica Castner: He's a good sort. I know more about sports than I would have ever cared to know about.
Ed Castner: Amen.
Erica Castner: Again, it's a win-win situation, right, Honey?
Ed Castner: Absolutely.
Erica Castner: Another thing that I think really helped solidify how we're connecting and how we're staying grounded with each other is praying together. That's something that I am very excited about, that we have that chance, not only to come together and pray over a meal but pray over other things, as well, too. Is there anything you want to add to that experience?
Ed Castner: Absolutely. I'm not telling you guys what to believe and what not to believe, but in our household the nice thing is we can always come back to God, who's the centerpiece, and through Him, He's that one constant that's infallible, unlike us. Being able to come back and pray together just brings us back to the core again, and starting at the core is always an awesome thing.
Erica Castner: Of course, really just having that time to come together to communicate, to converse with one another, to make sure that we're openly talking about things that are affecting us in our work life, but also what's really going on with our feelings and our emotions outside of work and outside of our immediate situation, really just tapping into the kind of stuff.
Another thing I wanted to make sure that we were addressing today, and I think this is so important, especially for couples that have probably been married, or dating, for a long period of time, over a year, "Why the heck did you stop dating?" That is something that I definitely think is important to what saved our marriage. We continue to date, even almost three years into our marriage, almost four years into our relationship, we continue to make that time and that space to date each other, to go out and have that time, one-on-one, to connect and then, who knows, when we get back to the house we might have a little bedroom fun, as well. What do you want to add to our dating situation, or maybe some advice that you could give people out there that have kind of gotten away from the dating situation?
Ed Castner: It's such an easy rut to fall into, because then you get into the routine. I think twice a month, is my personal rule of thumb. Date twice a month. That's your significant other. I even do dates with my daughters once a month to where I get to set the example to them to where they understand this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman. I hope I exemplify that at home as well as when we're on our dates. Twice a month. Have fun, by the way, on your dates. You can go out and sit down and have a lovely dinner and a glass of wine, and that's great, and we do that too. Do something, have some fun, date like you were dating before. I mentioned put-put golf. That's only one example.
Do something out the ordinary on occasion. This way it's not always, "Well, we're in a different venue but we're talking about the same stuff. Get out of your venue. Go to a different venue and bring up different topics of conversation. You can even bring up different things like different challenges as a couple that you could do together. I know I really like discussing those.
Erica Castner: Yeah, absolutely. I think that just being in that space and that energy of really connecting on a date, not necessarily just physically doing an activity, but really opening up some conversation. It doesn't have to be anything super heavy, it could be a really playful, really light, kind of like the things that you talked about when you were dating and exploring and getting to know each other. Those are the kinds of things that you would want to maybe do when you're on those dates currently right now. It's super fun and it's flirty, it's engaging, it's connecting, it's an energy booster. I really think that it really makes me feel more vibrant when I get to have those date nights with you, makes me feel like I got some really cool things to look forward to, as well.
Ed Castner: Definitely a battery charger. Absolutely a battery charger, to where you have that energy again and you feel that spark. Sometimes the spark goes away a little bit, but that's when you got to charge that battery.
Erica Castner: Another thing that you guys can do to stay in the intimacy, stay in the connectivity of each other, and this is super simple. It's something that we actually started with our girls a couple years ago, but then we carried out the tradition in our own situation, it's leaving love notes for each other, once a day. Whether it's in your lunch box, or whether it's on the car, the windshield as you're driving away, if it's in your briefcase, sometimes we take those dry erase markers and actually write on the mirrors and write a little message of inspiration. You know, just a quick love note to let the other person know that we're thinking of them. I love that, because we do that once a day. We really try to connect in that way, and it's not forced, it's really genuine, it's really a beautiful thing. I save those things. I'm kind of a hoarder like that. I love those kinds of things. Anything you want to add, Ed?
Ed Castner: Yeah, like you said, it's not forced, it's just one of those things and, guys out there on the call, it doesn't have to be super sappy, man. It could be just as simple as, "Hey, thinking about you today. Go rock it." I mean, "Have an awesome day. Can't wait to see you when I get home. Looking forward to our date," if it's date night. Text messages are great for that, too. Here's a tip for you guys out there. Periodically, throughout the day, you've gone hours without talking to your significant other, send them a text message. "Hey, I was thinking about you."
The benefits will be amazing. That's all I'm going to say, awesome return on investment. That's all I'm saying. It's pretty awesome because what it does say is, "You know what, you really were thinking about me because you took the time to send me a text message." It didn't ramble on, it was just to the point, "Hey thinking about you." That's it.
Erica Castner: Ladies out there, you know feel free to do the same thing to your man, or your woman, depending on what kind of relationship you're in, because we understand there's all sorts of relationships out there. We get it. Feel free to reach out and connect with your spouse in that way, too. Be vulnerable. Be in a place where you can just express a little bit of love, or gratitude, or some sort of message. It doesn't have to be really hard, it doesn't have to be super complicated, it's just a very simple, "Just thinking about you. Can't wait to see you again." Those are really great things that anybody would love to hear, whether they are on a voice mail, or a text message, or a hand-written love note.
Ed Castner: Can I chime in real quick?
Erica Castner: Absolutely.
Ed Castner: Know your audience.
Erica Castner: True that.
Ed Castner: Know your audience, are you sending it for you or are you sending it for them? Because, when Erica sends me something, and on occasion she might text me something that's, you know, a little more risque, I really enjoy that. Know your audience. Some days it's not that, but spice it up, mix it up.
Erica Castner: Yeah, absolutely, why not. It's your partner. You obviously trust them on some level, so be free to do those things, you know, that are a little more risque or spicy. That's okay. Those are things that you want to do for your partner, to really connect with them on a more fun level, perhaps even a deeper level. Again, those expressions are a little more vulnerable but you trust and love each other, so just have at it.
Ed Castner: Don't text pictures, though.
Erica Castner: Yeah, don't text pictures. No, no, no, no.
Ed Castner: Really, that opens up a whole other can of worms.
Erica Castner: Exactly. Keep it safe from cyber thieves.
Ed Castner: Exactly.
Erica Castner: Absolutely. Well, cool.
The final thought I wanted to maybe [inaudible 00:16:20], and this kind of ties back to what you were mentioning earlier on this session today, Ed, but also what we talked about in session number one, is that space of communicating, getting back together, talking, whether it's over dinner, whether it's over a late-night cup of coffee, whether it's scheduling some time to do your date over a work day. Ed and I have very flexible work schedules so we have that freedom and flexibility to schedule a coffee date every once in a while, and we can have that 30 minute talk, but scheduling 30 minutes of time each day to communicate with one another.
That has been very key, incredible, to making sure that we're on the same page, that we're not distancing ourselves, we're in a space where we can talk, we can be free to share whatever we want, and really open up those words and that dialogue so we feel more connected. Anything you want to add to that, Ed?
Ed Castner: Absolutely. Communication and intimacy, especially, I'll just say sexual intimacy. When you're in that glow after, I'm trying to figure out the best way to put this, but when you're in that glow after, great time to communicate, and I'm not talking critique, I'm talking communicate. Talk about the things that you really liked, because the other person will make note of it. Be like, "Oh, I really liked that." "Oh, good, I can do that again." It's an easy way to give directions without giving directions. You tell what you really liked, and it makes the intimacy that much more intimate. It's a great time to communicate because everybody's feeling pretty good about that point, I'm thinking.
Erica Castner: Absolutely. I concur with those statements, Honey. That's great stuff. That's all the tips that we have today. Do you have anything else you wanted to share before we wrap it up?
Ed Castner: Not on this call. We've got more stuff coming up, though.
Erica Castner: Oh my gosh, we have something super amazing. As I alluded to in session number two, we have got an amazing weekend workshop that's coming up. It is called, Fusion Weekend Intensive: Where Two Become One. I am so super excited about this event. Ed and I realized that there are so many couples out there, again as I mentioned in the first session, where one person might be on the path to discovering their greatness through personal or professional development, but the other person may not be, or maybe they're both on that path but they just really want to get some good foundation laid so they can be more solid, be in this state of connecting with one another.
Because we wanted to make sure other couples got the most amazing foundation tools at their fingertips, we've created the Fusion Weekend Workshop Intensive. We are so excited about this. Honey, why don't you tell our audience a little bit about what they're going to experience in the weekend.
Ed Castner: We've touched base on these calls. We call it the three pillars. In a lot of ways they are, that's communication, financial, and then intimacy. We've just merely scratched the surface on these. Imagine if you had awesome communication with your partner, if you had a financial game plan where you guys were heading the same direction together, and then in the bedroom you guys were rocking it out together. In and out of the bedroom, sorry, Honey, I always put it in the bedroom. Imagine that was the case, that's the case where, instead of you guys heading kind of in the same direction, it's like gravity rolling downhill, now you guys are together and the power of two heading in one direction, just awesome. From that standpoint, take what we've scratched on the surface in these three audio calls and open up to a weekend. We will change lives. There's no doubt about it.
Erica Castner: We want to invite you to a special bonus series that we're actually going to be talking about the Fusion Experience. We are going to be getting a little deeper on the three topics, or the three pillars, that we talked about in this audio series. We're going to be rolling out that very special session here very, very soon, in your inbox. I'm so excited about that. You guys will get special access to that. That's a link that you will have to, obviously, click on and get more information about, but with basically sharing the next steps on how you guys can get more connected, more on a solid foundation, to really rock your world and to rule your universe when it comes to creating a rockin' relationship for not only yourself but also for your partner, really getting on the same page with a lot of those things that we talked about today.
Ed Castner: I'm jazzed. I'm ready. Let's go. Can I go?
Erica Castner: Absolutely. I totally want you there.
Ed Castner: I'm going to be there. It's cool.
Erica Castner: Yeah, not only are we going to be facilitating the weekend experience with y'all, but we also brought in some heavy hitters when it comes to really knowing their stuff in these three areas. We've got an amazing, amazing communication expert. I'm so excited that he's going to be on board. We also have somebody that's coming in that's going to be teaching us a little bit about those many personalities and having those, what does he call it?
Ed Castner: There's a certain system that he has but basically it's going to open up dialogue to make it very simple for you guys to get on the same page. I love how he does it.
Erica Castner: Absolutely. Ed's being a little bashful, but not really, because he just doesn't want to reveal the excitement yet. We're going to be revealing this in the bonus session.
Ed Castner: Absolutely.
Erica Castner: We also have a gal that's actually going to be rocking our world with intimacy. I'm very excited about that. It's a whole weekend experience. It's going to be November 6 through the 8th. We're also going to be giving some special information on how not only you can rock your world at that event but keep all the information that we just learned in this three-part bonus series and apply it to your current situation and doing all that in the live bonus session that we've got coming up right around the bend. You guys will be getting the invitation to that in your in boxes shortly. It is going to be a live event. I'm very excited about the way that's going to look.
You guys will get that information and we'll also share more information on the Fusion Weekend Experience. It's going to rock your world. One lucky person is actually going to win a special prize, if you hop on that live session. Can't really reveal that at the moment, but that will be revealed in your in box in the invitation for that live bonus session. I'm super excited about that. Be on the lookout for that in the next few days. Anything else you want to wrap up before we wrap it up today?
Ed Castner: No. I'm good. It's been awesome. Thanks for having me on.
Erica Castner: Oh my gosh, you're welcome.
Ed Castner: I appreciate this. This has been fun.
Erica Castner: We're going to have a lot of fun in the next few days, too, in our live bonus session, too, aren't we, Honey?
Ed Castner: Yes. I'm going to be on that? Cool. I get to come back for a fourth one, that's awesome. Yes. No, I'm looking forward to a live session, absolutely.
Erica Castner: It's going to rock.
Ed Castner: Always.
Erica Castner: Like I said, feel free to go and chime on to thequeenofresults.com, or The Queen of Results, This is Coaching and Consulting Facebook group page and, of course, if you have any feedback on anything that we talked about today, or want more information on how to really rock your relationships, and there were things that we didn't talk about, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. We'll have more information for you in the next few days regarding the live bonus session. Again, thank you so much for tuning in to today's session. Until next time, take care.
Here's what other happy clients are saying about working with Erica:
“I have a pretty successful business but I wanted to streamline my efforts to spend more time with my growing family. Erica helped me pinpoint how to maximize my calendar to be more efficient in my daily activities so I can be more profitable with out working so hard.”
“Working with Erica has been one of the best things I could have done both personally and professionally. Through our work together, I have learned to value myself, and my time, which has made me more productive. Her compassion, her persistence, and her motivation is not just inspiring but contagious. She is absolutely amazing!”
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